My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
Randomize
