I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Randomize
