Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
In America we eat man semen.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
