Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
