Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
