Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
