He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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