So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
You're earring is so big in my mouth
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
