broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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