Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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