i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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