I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
