The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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