if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
totally worth getting kicked out for trying to throw my drink on lindsay lohans ankle bracelet.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
