I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Randomize
