The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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