I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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