You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
