hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
