man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
