Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
sarcasm needs its own font
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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