hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
