Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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