Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
Randomize
