Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
