You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
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