One girl and one boy is just not enough.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
