She is in my trunk
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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