i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I'm like, not good at living.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
