ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
