Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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