Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Randomize
