At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Randomize
