Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
