You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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