connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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