wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
