well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
