Pappa wants mamma naked
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
