dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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