And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
Randomize
