Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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