He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
