Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
