Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
There's always time for handjobs
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
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