I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Randomize
