3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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