you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I feel like a drive thru vagina
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
