watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
