Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
